I am writing this to tell you that I have been doing bad in Law School.
Every time the semester ends, I always feel like I have failed everyone's expectations. Even though I always study my butt off in the library, I still get blundered oral recitations, failed exams, screwed-up quizzes, and whatnot. Well, you can say that all students encounter that once in a while, but mine is an alarming case.
I hate how I seem to do the worst on exams that matter the most in a semester. No matter how I studied and prayed that I won't screw up those exams, I end up doing bad. Like, what have I been doing wrong? I don't even take that many breaks like I used to. I made sure to finish studying everything and not miss a thing, but during exams, the unexpected questions come out which catch me off guard. It's like, when I review the whole book, bar questions and questions from reviewers come out. When I review the book and the codal, cases come out. When I review the most important topics, other topics that I haven't covered in my review come out.
Sometimes I feel like someone is cursing me and having an evil eye on me since my achievements always get broadcasted on social media, but I can't seem to understand why there are people like that. Why can't anyone be just happy for others? But then again, that's just my thinking.
Anyway, my results from my 2nd year, 2nd semester in Law School was the worst. I had been very disappointed with myself at that time because I broke my streak on being a consistent Dean's Lister. I would be lying if I'd say that I'd be comforted when anyone says that "being on the Dean's List doesn't really matter because what matters is passing the Bar" because, for me, that's just a sorry excuse for someone like me who should've aimed high no matter what it takes. It broke a part of me since I knew that many expected me to be on the List for the nth time. Someone even attempted to cheer for me during the announcement thinking that I'd be one of those on the higher rank. The day after that announcement, I could hear my classmates and schoolmates whisper about how I didn't make it on the List at that time. I used to think that not many cared about that damned List but no, classmates and schoolmates do care. Going to school for the whole month after that day felt really heavy for me. I felt like a nobody. I lost my self-esteem. I didn't have confidence with myself like I used to.
I vowed that I should redeem myself for the 3rd year, 1st semester, but no. There are only 2 out of 8 grades so far that I can see on my SLMIS account right now, but I don't think the other pending grades are looking good for me. So much for my vow to redeem myself. It's like I'd rather express my defeat at this point than to hope for the best. It makes me frustrated that I literally had very minimal breaks and distractions for the whole semester and I used almost every free time to read my books, but it still comes to this. Heck, there's even this subject that I started reading way before classes started but I still ended up getting a lower grade compared to others just because I probably got dumb during the final exam. Now I think that reading in advance is a curse because every time I do that with a subject, I end up getting a low grade on it.
So much for that rant, I am dismayed with myself because just when I thought I could redeem myself, it's like I have been told -- no, not this time.
I am just so tired. Nothing is ever going my way. You might be telling me that it's still too early to tell because I don't even know yet what my grades are for the rest of the 6 subjects, and you may be right, but this post is only for expressing my sentiments. For now, I'm not even worried about whether or not I'd be back on the Dean's List -- I'm more worried about, God forbid, failing a subject. Tomorrow will be our enrollment and I'm anxious about not being able to take one subject this coming semester because of that certain subject, again, God forbid *knocks on wood many times*.
I am legit scared right now. I don't usually post my rants anymore because it had costed me a lot before and I don't want anyone to gossip about me, but since I don't want to bother anyone with my sentiments and worries, I decided to write them here. I'm not sure if anyone may be able to read this because I won't be posting this on my Page or on any other social media account, but at least I am able to express myself in some way.
My 3rd year, 2nd semester in Law School is coming, and I'd probably have another one of these moments soon. But what can I do? I'll just have to go on.
Till here ;*