I'm not ready

Couples posting their status updates about how in love they are with each other.
Couples posting their selfies and portrait shots.
Couples posting their sweet conversations.

While I, a single person right here, just sits here in front of my laptop or my tablet, scrolling up and down through all these posts, almost wanting to puke. Haha no offense tho.

But I admit, even though this is my reaction most of the time, sometimes I also kinda envy them, then I'd just think, I will have my time soon too.

Anyway, I know for a fact that behind those kilig moments and sweet nothings are countless fights, misunderstandings, arguments, and what not that could taint a relationship. Behind those conflicts are two persons trying to reflect on themselves and decide which one should put down his or her pride to apologize and get things over with. Behind these self reflections thinking what could have gone wrong are some hours or days that could have been spent studying or enjoying some hobbies without problems to think about. Behind those hours or days are moments that you could've spent trying to improve yourself and having your own quality time instead of dwelling over the conflict you have with your bae or if not, that date you have with him or her which you can't move on from because of the fact that it gave you daydreams and hopes that you'll have more of it soon.

But then I wonder, why is it that despite all these disadvantages, people would still want to get into a relationship? Is it because they simply love the one they want to be together with? Is it because they'd be willing to endure everything just to live in harmony with their special someone? Is it because of love, that they don't mind everything else, since what's important to them is the fact that they're with each other? Is it because that with loving each other, they think that it's them against the world, and nobody can stop them?

Couples and their cliched, seemingly delusional convictions. I just don't understand them, because I haven't really been in their shoes yet, I mean, not exactly, since I don't think I've ever been in love, though I've been with someone of the opposite sex, but I've felt nothing but annoyance as the relationship went on.  Why? Read on.

You see, for me, right now, being single is still much better than being in a relationship, and I learned that through experience. I remember when my guy "best friend" from 4 years ago always gets upset when I don't give him time, how he gives a fuss about what I wear, how he feels like we're already bf/gf where in fact we're not, how he becomes too possessive of me even though he does not have the right, how I'd have to deal with our conflicts, and how I'd have to deal with criticisms from others because of how, excuse the term, unattractive he looks - hunchbacked and a face that even though you'd turn the world upside down, it still isn't going to be attractive to anybody. Haha I'm kidding. But anyway, I was so shallow in the past for liking him because of his aloofness, weirdness and the fact that his likes and dislikes are like my Dad's. But anyway, past is past, and I don't want history to repeat itself anymore.

I am not bitter because of what never was, but because of the fact that I could've chosen a better guy than him. Seems like he is my greatest mistake after all. Excuse me, but this is the most embarrassing memory I could think of as of now.

But you know, because of him, I learned to vow to myself that I should never engage in any relationships just yet, even Mutual Understandings, since it will bring nothing but distractions. I also think it's because I've chosen the wrong person, but I guess I should condition myself to generalize so that I won't be tempted right now. I am already graduating, and I don't want to blame anyone for not reaching my Latin honor goal. I don't want it to be like before that I kinda blamed my guy best friend for almost not getting that Salutatorian rank. Never again.

From that experience, I knew for sure that I am far from ready when it comes to these kinds of things. I don't even enjoy doing chores yet. I am not yet wife material. Being kinda childish and immature is my comfort zone and I'm still there. No matter how these couples show off their lovey dovey moments to me through these LCD screens on my gadgets, the conviction that I shouldn't be one of them just yet always prevails, because of the very fact that I am not ready and am still unworthy for this kind of responsibility.

Come to think of it, I am already very stressed even though I only have family, friendship, and academic-related problems to ponder upon, how much more if I have a boyfriend to get mad at just because of a petty misunderstanding?

A Forever Spent with You, or Not

Our life is a cycle. One moment we're teenagers, and while we're at it, we'd be finding the one we'd be spending our whole life with till the end of time. Whether we like it or not, we're going to fall in love with someone we may or may not end up with. We may experience heartbreaks along the way, and they would say that it's just the way it is because we're just one step closer to our happy ever after. It just means that we weren't able to choose the right person to love. Admittedly we sometimes fail to foresee the possibility that that person may not be the one because we're so blinded with love. 

You see, choosing that one person to spend your whole life with is never something that you can hastily decide on. Some would even pray, asking God for signs to be sure if that person is already the one. Sometimes we'd just go along with where we're destined to be, even though it's against our will. It may be against our will that the one we really want to have couldn't be ours, and we just have to deal with it and move on. I've been there, and done that. I have liked and idolized a lot of guys, and wished they could be mine, but since I'm faced with the fact that I am not really allowed to have monogamous relationships yet while I'm still studying, I instead wished that someone like them could be mine in the future when the right time comes.

Everything was going smoothly in my life despite all those unrequited feelings that I felt, but then the time came when I'm already the one who's not returning them. I'm not really the type of person who would want to force myself to like someone back because I have my standards. I'm also not the type who would eventually like someone back when I know that he likes me, unless he passes my standards. If I'm not attracted to you, then I'll never be attracted to you, unless I get to know you more and find a valuable trait in you that I've always wanted in a guy. 

I would want to end up with a guy whom, at the very first impression, I know for sure that I'm going to want to spend my forever with him. I want a guy whom I could really say, wow, there's really something about him that makes me wanna go crazy though I'm not sure what it is. I have actually found a guy like that, but it's too bad that again, he couldn't be mine, so I've moved on with no hurt feelings left within my system. Right now I'd just be admiring him from afar, looking forward to the time he goes online and like his posts. Haha. See how stress-free life would be if things go that way, though it could be a bit heartbreaking, but that's okay.

You know, I was so wrong when I said that I'd rather be with the one who loves me rather than the one I love. I realized that it's supposed to be both, because why can't it be? Why should we even force ourselves to choose between these two difficult choices anyway? Why can't we just wait for that perfect moment where feelings would eventually be mutual? I'm sure God will give us that moment, and we shouldn't be allowed to force such. 

It just upsets me that there are those who would think that it will be the end of the world if they don't end up with the one they love. I mean, there are many fishes in the sea. There are 7 billion people in the world, and just because that one person doesn't like you back doesn't mean that you'd be hopeless throughout your life already. If that person doesn't like you back, then you'll just have to accept that. There's always someone better. You don't have to be close-minded. Also, you could even say that it's his/her loss for not wanting to be with you, because you're probably right. Someday you'd even be thankful that you didn't end up with that person, because through him/her, you found your forever.

The bottom line is that, we just have to accept everything that comes to our life, whether we like it or not. If things don't go our way, there's always plan B. Also, I bet that somehow, some way, soon enough we would meet the one who would love us as much as we love them. Take it from me, because I'd swear to God that I will never marry until I find that kind of person.

Even though I personally do not believe in forever in a literal sense (because let's face it, there's this phenomenon we call "End of the World" or the marriage vow where we say "Till death do us part"), at least we could just feel like we're infinitely in love with the person that means the world to us.

So yes, I'll just end my disorganized thoughts right here. Till then. :*


Just a little update

Hello there! I would just like to say that after hours of discerning and conducting a trial and error on moving to other blogging platforms that resulted to epic fails, I finally decided that I should just stay here in Blogger. Yaay!

You see, I realized that Wordpress doesn't offer enough customization for free users plus it has this annoying infinite scrolling that I don't know how to get rid off because I already got overwhelmed with everything that didn't turn out according to my plan. I also realized that I am better off on Tumblr if I have a lot of pictures to post, but since I'm not really that fond of posting such, I decided not to transfer there and that Blogger is really the one for me.

But, it does not end there. I also searched for ways to export my Blogger posts to Weebly, a less popular blogging platform that somewhat would really fit for my customization needs, but then I found out that it was not possible. I mean, I think it is but I didn't understand the instructions I've read. LOL. Well I could've understood it if I did a little more effort in finding the answer but since I'm already very tired, I finally decided on just improvising my Blogger.

I was wrong when I said that Blogger doesn't offer the customization that I need anymore since I realized that I could actually make the most on what's available. Maybe I've just said that previously because I can't find my ever favorite Century Gothic font that I supposedly want to set as the main font on this blog, but then I saw that there was indeed a much better and simpler font than that, so yes, I decided that I should just be contented with that. I also got upset when I can't seem to find the settings where I could change the font color of the Post Title but then after some discovering and everything I finally found it. Haha. Silly me, post titles are actually Links. There's this glitch also in Blogger where at one point the font styles I have chosen would appear with no problem but then at some other times it would show Comic Sans.

I also would want to change the URL of this blog since I saw that it does not fit the personality that I have right now anymore. I mean, that was my 13 year old self out there deciding on that jeje URL in the past, and I bet there are already differences with who I am in the past and who I am right now, then yes, URL preference isn't an exception. But you see, the problem is that I want to retain everything here, including the views and the followers that I have. Is this possible? I think that if I'd change this URL I would encounter more problems ahead, so that's why I'm kinda hesitant with it. LOL this is somewhat a big problem for me. Another part of me would just want to leave the old URL there and move on, but this is really bothering me. Ugh.

I guess I'll just search more about these things. Till here. :*  


To move or not to move?

Hello everyone! How are you all doing - as how my usual introduction goes. Anyway, I know that I have already been kinda inactive in this blog, might as well with the other blogs that I have, since I have actually been more active on my Twitter and Facebook because microblogging has been a convenient blogging platform for me these past months.

So what's this post going to be about? Well, as you can see, I have edited my blog theme. While I was doing that, I realized that my blog is already kinda unruly with too much widgets and old stuff that probably won't be of significance to me in the future. The problem right now is that I don't really know if I should delete these unnecessary stuff or keep it that way and make another blog. I'm not sure if I should stay here or move to a new abode.

I'm actually thinking of moving to either Tumblr or Wordpress, but the other part of me wants to stay here since I have invested a lot in this blog. It's been 5 years and counting, but admittedly it's not going strong. I bet you already know how many times I have apologized here for not updating this blog. I'm starting to think that my followers and blogger friends aren't keeping up with my posts anymore because of that, moreover that, maybe they aren't that active anymore as well. 

I also thought that maybe I should just revamp this blog into something new and remove those that I think won't be of significance to the most recent blogging culture, like for example, I don't think that the "Links" section is still applicable right now, so I guess I remove that. The CBox I think is also not the trend anymore so that's also going to go.

I have this idea also that maybe I should just import all my posts here to wherever I decide to transfer. That way it wouldn't be such a waste for me to move.

The reason though why I want to move is that I'm beginning to dislike Blogger's customizing settings. It seems like my perception of what's supposed to be attractive is already changing, and I can't see how I should incorporate the designs I have in mind to this blog anymore.

Even though I have these plans, I'm still a bit doubtful until now whether I should pursue any of these.

I am just so confused right now. But maybe, just maybe, in the end I'd decide that I should just stay. I don't really know for sure. I guess I'm just writing this post to help me decide. Maybe after I'd reread this post, I would eventually decide on what to do with this blog.

I guess I'll end here. Till here :*